


Ready or Not

by Wings_and_Feet



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Gentle Kissing, Graphic Description, Healing, Internal Monologue, Intrusive Thoughts, Love, M/M, Misunderstandings, Neither of them are ok., Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Trauma, but they're trying, safety and trust, unwanted sexual content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-14 07:55:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29167656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wings_and_Feet/pseuds/Wings_and_Feet
Summary: Ash loves the way he feels in Eiji's arms, safe and protected. Loved.He would die for this feeling, even if he doesn't quite know what to do with it yet.But what if Eiji wants more than a cuddle? Most people do. He can do this. He can do anything for the man he loves.He can't do this. Oh God.
Relationships: Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Comments: 20
Kudos: 198





	Ready or Not

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, I'll be honest. I don't usually write things as graphic as this. (If you want to avoid the worst of the flashbacks, skip the parts in bold.)
> 
> But once the thought lodged in my head, I needed it to go somewhere. Please mind the tags. This is at heart the story of a trauma victim trying to force themselves to act before they are ready.
> 
> Rated Mature rather than Explicit because I don't want anyone stumbling in here thinking they'll find some good, fluffy smut. 
> 
> I am very cognizant of the fine line between telling a story with empathy and creating trauma theater. I hope I managed to stay on the correct side of the line. 
> 
> I'm nervous about this one. Please let me know what you think.

Ready or Not

This was nice. Warm. Incredible. He still couldn’t believe that he was allowed this. His chest felt so full it ached, but it didn’t hurt. He snorted. That didn’t make any sense. How could an ache not hurt? But it didn’t. It felt full and safe. Home, his mind supplied. 

Sap.

Ash kissed the top of Eiji’s head as it rested on his chest, adjusting his book so he could still see it over his shoulder. He was getting used to this level of intimacy. It was nice to hold Eiji in his arms or to be held in return. They’d fumbled their way through a few gentle kisses, Eiji never pushing, never demanding. It was terrifying and exhilarating, and Ash would protect it with his life. He glanced down, watching as Eiji pursed his lips briefly before puffing his cheeks out in mild frustration. He flipped to the translation app that was always open in his phone, typing in whatever word he hadn’t known. His mouth opened, silently sounding out the word according to the phonetic spelling on his screen.

Unaware of his audience, Eiji swiped away from the app and returned to whatever he had been looking at before. Absentmindedly, he turned his head, dropping a casual kiss just below Ash’s collar bone, snuggling a little closer and adjusting his phone. 

**_So many mouths on him--wet, sticky, nasty. Hot, alcohol fueled breath in his face, on his body. Hands grabbing, pushing. They felt huge. Tongues on his face, his neck his…_ ** He shuddered. **_No. Stop. Please. But they never stopped. They didn’t care. They liked it when he begged…_ ** His stomach rolled. 

Here and now, he told himself. Here. and. Now. They had taken so much from him. They would not take this. The person pressing him gently down with the weight of his body was Eiji. And Eiji would never hurt him. Eiji had kissed him with gentle affection. Eiji just wanted him to feel loved. He took a careful breath, forcing his eyes back to his book. He was ok. This was ok. He shivered again.

Eiji didn’t say anything. He reached behind him to tug a blanket over them, tucking it around Ash’s waist a little, so it didn’t fall. It was sweet, the way he took care of him. Ash was so incredibly lucky. Eiji shifted, wiggling his shoulders into a more comfortable position, sighing contentedly. His hand slid up Ash’s thigh as he reached for his phone where it had fallen on the bed, and Ash froze. At his sudden, obvious discomfort Eiji stilled. Ash could almost see him take stock before he carefully lifted his hand and resettled it firmly on Ash’s stomach, a comforting touch that implied nothing, demanded nothing, recalled nothing to mind.

Ash closed his eyes. He felt so incredibly guilty. Eiji hadn’t meant anything. He KNEW that. Eiji had never, not once, pushed him physically. Oh sometimes he ruffled his hair when he’d rather he didn’t. And he regularly manhandled him around the apartment in the mornings, but he’d never… He sighed heavily through his nose. Eiji wasn’t like that. Eiji didn’t mind that Ash couldn’t...didn’t want… He tightened his arm. He breathed carefully slowly, forcing a stillness he didn’t feel. He wanted to shove Eiji away. He didn’t deserve this gentleness. He didn't know how to handle it, what to do with it. 

Violence was easier. How fucked up did that make him? But pain was only pain. You grit your teeth and did your best to relax until it was over. They hurt you more when you resisted, but often a little resistance was necessary. Too relaxed generally led to being beaten too. It was tricky. It gave you something to focus on until it was over, being exactly the right amount of frightened and resistant. It always seemed to last forever, but usually it wasn’t that long. You lived through it. Or they killed you, he guessed. So far, he’d been alive at the end each time. Sometimes he wished he wasn’t, but, well, he wasn’t particularly accustomed to getting his wishes granted. It was, not fine, exactly. It’s not like he didn’t know that what happened to him wasn’t normal. But it was...expected, he guessed. He was used to it.

Gentleness scared the hell out of him. He longed for it, craved it almost constantly. Now that he’d had a taste, he always jonsed for his next fix. He would watch Eiji just waiting for his next gentle hug, his next innocent kiss to the cheek or forehead or shoulder. He wished he could just bask in the warmth, relax and banish the voices in his head completely. But he couldn’t stop waiting for the shift. He knew Eiji didn’t want him like the others did. He knew Eiji wanted to be his friend, his companion. Eiji wouldn’t hurt him.

But nearly every person he had ever known had hurt him. There were a few exceptions, he supposed. And there were those, now, who were too afraid of him to try. But Eiji wasn’t afraid. He didn’t back down from a scowl or a threat. He didn’t shy away from his hands or his gun. Eiji wasn’t gentle and kind to him because he knew he could defend himself. Eiji was just...so...pure, so perfect, so innocent, so...good.

He didn’t want Eiji to feel bad. He didn’t want Eiji to realize just how filthy he was, how disgustingly broken. God, an innocent brush against his damned leg had him ready to tear out of his skin. And Eiji would be devastated if he knew. He didn’t want to hurt Ash. Ever. And Ash fucking KNEW that. He squeezed his eyes shut to hold back sudden tears that pricked and burned. He was FINE. 

“Ok?” Eiji looked up.

“Yeah. You startled me is all.” He knew better than to fake a smile. Eiji always spotted it. And he always looked so sad, disappointed. Skeptical brown doe eyes looked up at him, searching for something. Ash didn’t want him to see. So he closed his eyes and ghosted his lips across Eiji’s. He waited for his demons to attack, but they didn’t. Not this time. Eiji’s lips were soft and pliant, letting him lead. His breath smelled like green tea. His hands didn’t grab or push or do anything but gently hug him just the tiniest bit tighter.

Thank god.

Ash kissed him again, relief flooding through him and washing away his earlier terror. 

Eiji lifted his head. “Hi.” His smile was so sweet, so gentle. This was his safe harbor. This was perfect. 

“Hi yourself.” Ash responded leaning into a second kiss. This one Eiji reciprocated rather than simply accepting. He still didn’t demand, still didn’t push, but when Ash let his lips open, Eiji tentatively let his tongue swipe delicately across his. Ash shivered again. This was dangerous territory. He should pull away before Eiji saw, before he knew, before his walls crumbled and all the ugliness spilled out between them and ruined everything. It would hurt his Eiji. It would disgust him…

But it was so good, just kissing him. He felt little sparks tingle across his shoulders and down his arms. He pulled Eiji against him a little tighter, letting himself thread his fingers carefully into his hair. Not gripping, never pulling. Eiji would never NEVER feel like he couldn’t get away from him…

**_Hands in his hair, pulling so hard it made his eyes water. He was being forced down, the man laughing. Someone was taking pictures. He tried to pull away, felt his hair rip out by the roots, felt the man tighten his hold, yank him forward. Someone was saying something. He couldn’t see, couldn’t breath, he was choking. It was too big, too much. It hurt._ **

Ash gasped, ripping himself out of Eiji’s arms. He flailed inelegantly to the edge of the bed, poised to run, ready to fight. But there was only Eiji. Sweet gentle Eiji. Ash tried to calm his breathing as he watched Eiji’s eyes widen. He looked confused, worried. He looked hurt. Ash went still, years of training taking over as he forced himself toward calm. He knew his indifference wasn’t fair, but he couldn’t offer anything else right now. 

Eiji kept his body language open, eyes on is face, arms away from both their bodies. Ash stared at Eiji, eyes tracing his arms, his hands and body. He pressed his hands against his thighs to stop them from trembling, letting the sight of Eiji soothe him. He lay tilted away from Ash, keeping still and nonthreatening. His shirt was rucked up, showing the tiniest sliver of skin above…

oh.

Eiji seemed to notice where his eyes rested. He blushed bright red, shifting his hips to hide himself. He was obviously aroused and obviously embarrassed. He also looked afraid. Was Eiji afraid of him? Did he think he would hurt him? Force him? He thought he might throw up. Not Eiji. Never Eiji. He would die before he hurt him, before he let anyone hurt him. He would…

“It’s ok, Ash. I’m sorry. I guess I got carried away.” He shifted his leg again, hiding. “We don’t have to… to do anything. Ok?”

Oh. Ok. He wasn’t afraid of him. He wasn’t. Thank god. But… Eiji wouldn’t force him. It was clear. He had never hurt him. WOULD never hurt him. But he also, clearly, wanted…

Well. He could do that. He knew how. And Eiji deserved to feel good. He deserved everything. He deserved a partner that could be whole for him. Ash hated being this broken, battered thing that panicked because someone loved him. 

Because Eiji loved him. 

And he loved Eiji.

And people who loved each other--they did this. They liked it. 

**_Oh god, he was being split in two. The man above him was sweaty and hairy. It felt like sandpaper rasping over his skin. There was a tattoo on his chest, directly above his face. He tried to focus on the picture. He bit his lip so hard he tasted blood while the monster above him grunted and gasped. He would rather die than be here, he thought, staring at the bleeding ink of an overstretched tattoo while this fat-assed pedo had his way. Impotent fury filled him, but he’d learned not to fight._ **

**_“I paid for a good time, brat. Don’t just lay there.”_ **

**_He tilted his head, thrusting out his chest as he smiled, licked his lips, “Sorry, Daddy. I just got distracted by how big you were…”_ **

Right. He knew how to do this. He adjusted his body posture, cocking his head to look at Eiji through lowered lashes. He ran his fingers down his thigh, gripping his knee lightly and pulling his legs open. He licked his lips, pouting slightly before giving a half-smile.

Eiji stared at him. He looked nervous, deeply unsure. But that was ok. He knew Eiji was inexperienced. He probably didn’t really know what to do. Ash could show him. “It’s ok, Eiji. Don’t be shy.” His voice cracked a little on the last word. That wouldn’t do. Soft and breathy, he reminded himself. He trailed his finger over his lips before running it down his jaw and neck. Eiji tracked it with wide eyes. “Come here.” There. That was the right tone. Excited. Eager. 

“Wh-what are y-you doing, Ash?” Eiji was gripping the blankets, his knuckles almost white. His face flushed even deeper.

Ash took his hand. He wasn’t hard. Hmm. He pulled it to his chest instead, guiding Eiji’s hands to graze his nipples. He readied himself for a harsh pinch that didn’t come. He left Eiji’s hand on him, trailed his own fingers up Eiji’s arm, gently scraping nails across his collarbone, down his chest. He could feel Eiji shaking under his fingertips. His hand spasmed against his chest. He managed not to flinch.

**_“Well aren’t you just the prettiest little whore?” Hands at his hips, fingers digging into his thighs. He tried to open his legs, tried to smile, but the strike still came, backhanded across his face, hard enough to make his ears ring. “Don’t look at me like that you filthy slut...filthy slut...filthy slut…”_ **

“Don’t worry about a thing, Eiji. I’ll make you feel really good. Just relax.” It had been a while, but muscle memory worked in more things than combat. He could feel himself shift, moving to show his body in the best way possible. He slid his fingers into Eiji’s hair again, tugging gently, guiding him forward. Eiji seemed to pull back, slightly but let Ash lead him. 

Ash lunged forward, graceful as a dancer, his lips meeting Eiji’s in a hungry kiss. His tongue danced over slightly wooden lips, teeth nipping just a bit. He shifted so that Eiji’s hand would naturally slip down his back. Eiji didn’t grip his ass. But he would. Once he relaxed. His breathing was picking up. This was ok. 

It wouldn’t be so bad if it was Eiji. Ash was almost looking forward to it. Almost. Maybe.

He sighed, being sure to keep it teasing, light and fun. This was fun. “Mmm. You taste so good.” A nice, breathy moan. Good. He still wasn’t hard. Some men thought it was insulting, but he knew how to keep someone distracted. He kissed down Eiji’s neck, dragging his hand down his chest, reaching to cup the erection he had hidden.

Eiji wasn’t hard.

Fuck.

It was ok. He just needed to...he just...he...Panic washed over him, filling his head with static, gripping his lungs, his stomach. He couldn’t...he...

**_Golzine’s hands around his throat, knee grinding painfully into his crotch. He couldn’t breath. It hurt, it hurt, it hurt. Please stop. His breath smelled of cigars as he hissed into his face, spittle flecking his cheeks, getting into his eyes. “They pay for a good time, you fucking street rat. They pay for a fantasy. And you will give it to them.” He smiled then. It was sickening. Hands gripped him. Slid over his body, cold and clammy. The knee moved from his groin to his stomach, pressing, pinning, he tried to push it away. He’s heavy, so heavy. Hands in his hair, a dick in his face, flacid and accusing. Tears streamed down his face. Maybe this was it. Maybe he would die. Maybe...fingers in his mouth forcing his jaw open, he heard something crack. It hurt. It hurt. It hurt._ **

“...Ash? Ash!” He gasped. Eiji’s hand gripped his wrist firmly, holding his hand away from his body. He looked...horrified. He looked scared.

He knew. He knew. He saw and he knew and he didn’t want that mouth, didn’t want his first time with a dirty, filthy street rat of a slut. He was disgusted. He…”I’m sorry,” Ash gasped. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” There were tears in his eyes. But what did that matter now. 

**_Filthy slut. Dirty street rat. Laugher and camera shutters and grunts above him-- behind him. Cigar smoke and liquor and blood. Filthy. Disgusting. Whore. Animal. Nasty. Polluted._ **

“I’m sorry. I won’t. I won’t ever touch you. I won’t, I… I’m sorry.” He yanked his wrist and Eiji let him go. Those were tears. Fuck. Eiji was crying. Crying. He was repulsed. Revolted. He was…

Ash pulled away.

**_“What makes you think you can come here, whore? Friends, huh. So what, you seduced them? Are you my son’s man-whores? Pay up...”_ **

No. No please. Not Eiji. Never Eiji.

Eiji was good, pure.

**_Whore…. Sleep with my son if you want…_ **

He curled into himself. No. no. Don’t cry. Please don’t cry.

“Ash, hey. Hey calm down.” Eiji didn’t sound angry. 

Why wasn’t he angry? He had touched him with his filthy hands. He had put his vile mouth on his…

“Ash, please. Can you breathe? Please, I don’t know what to do to help. Can I touch you?”

**_Hands on his body, hitting, pushing, grabbing. Nasty. Whore. They were so big, so much bigger than him. They hurt. It hurt._ **

His chest felt like it was bursting.

Eiji was crying. Ash wanted to die. 

“Ash. I’m going to touch your arm. You’re shaking, so I’m going to put a blanket on you, ok?”

Get control of yourself you useless fuck. How dare you hurt him? Breathe. This isn’t new. You’ve always known what you were, what you were worth. Don’t be so dramatic now. You’re hurting him. You. Are. Hurting. Him. Ash bit his cheek until he tasted blood. He scrubbed his hand across his face, unsure if the tears surprised him. He took a deep, shuddering breath, forcing it past the broken glass that had become his chest. 

He loved Eiji.

And for a time, Eiji had loved him. He felt the warmth try to bloom in his belly. He forced himself to look at the tortured face of the person he least wanted to hurt in this world. 

He would kill them, if he could--the men who made him too vile for Eiji’s sweet touch, too broken to hold the love he tried to give. He would kill them. But he knew it wouldn’t fix him. And there was already so much blood on his hands.

He forced himself to stillness. The chittering panic and screaming memories were carefully shoved to the back of his mind, into the dark where so much of him belonged. He stood, offering a gentle look to the crying man on his bed.

“I’m sorry, Eiji. I never meant to make you uncomfortable. I should not have put my hands on you. It won’t happen again. You have my word.” He took a breath. Calm. Serene. “I’ll make arrangements to have the other bedroom made up for you. I’m afraid the view isn’t quite as good, but the door locks.” He forced a smile. Tried to make it as genuine as he could.

“Please. Please don’t lie to me.” Eiji choked on a sob. He was shaking. He wished there was someone there worthy of touching him. Someone who wouldn’t repulse him. He needed comfort. Ash wished it could be him. He longed to hug Eiji. 

But that was over. 

“I’m not lying. I am sorry Eiji. I knew...better.”

“You ARE lying, Ash. You’re only ever this still, this calm when you lie. What did I do? Please tell me. I didn’t mean to.” Eiji reached out, fingers clawed in desperation before pulling his fisted hands into his own chest. “I didn’t mean to hurt you,” he whispered.

What?

“What?” His voice sounded raw. Dammit. He tried to subtly clear his throat.

“I don’t, I didn’t. Ash, I would never...hurt you. You know that right?” Eiji was shaking. Would it be ok to wrap him in the blanket? Ash took it off his shoulders, careful not to touch him with his hands as he draped it around Eiji. 

Eiji clutched it to him, pulling it tight. Oh good. That was right, then. Ash felt a little something uncoil. He could help--just a little. 

“Of course you wouldn’t hurt me, Eiji. You’re so...good.” Ash’s smile was sad. How could he have done something so horrible that it would make Eiji doubt himself? He could hear the voices clamouring to tell him. Hundreds of them. Thousands it sometimes felt like… He ignored them.

“Then what happened? Please, Ash.” Eiji’s lip wobbled. “Please tell me.”

He could do this. Eiji needed him to do this, so he would. It was as simple as that. It didn’t matter now, anyway. 

“I thought I could give you what you wanted.” His voice was low, but steady. Ok. That would do. “I-I know how.”   
  
Eiji choked on a sob, shoving his fist in his mouth to stay quiet. Ash wanted to hug him, comfort him. But...He wrapped his arms around himself, shoved his shaking hands into his armpits and forced himself to keep going. Eiji had the right to know. “I could have made you feel good--I could have. B-but I understand why you wouldn’t want that from someone like me.” He paused, licked his lips. Kept going. “You are so good, Eiji. So kind and so...pure. I don’t know why I thought you--I know better now. I’ll go, give you some space.” Here came the hard part. “I’ll never touch you again, Eiji. Unless it is literally to save your life, I won’t lay a finger on you. You have my word. I just hope you can find it in your heart not to--to hate me.” 

His lip wobbled. He forced it still. He tried to walk away, but his body refused to move. He was drowning and he didn’t even know where to look for a lifeline. Eiji was shaking with the intensity of his tears, his cheeks splotched red over waxy pale white. His teeth dented the skin of the fingers shoved against his mouth. Ash couldn’t leave him alone. He didn’t know what to do.

Maybe he should call someone? 

“Ash--” Eiji sounded like his chest felt--like something shattered was grinding together. “Can you p-please just sit? I-I won’t touch you. I j-just w-want to make sure you’re ok.” Eiji sniffed. 

Ash sat. He wasn’t sure his legs would hold him if he didn’t. He stared in Eiji in open incredulity as the smaller man caught his breath and straightened. “I’m ok, Eiji. I’m just sorry I--” he wasn’t sure what the right word even was. “--defiled you.”

Eiji flinched like he’d been slapped.

Not that word, then. Damn. He was just making everything worse.

“You--” Eiji glared at him. That was ok. He was allowed. He snatched up his phone, opening an app and typing for a moment. His lips moved, forming words silently as he read. Then he said something under his breath in fervent Japanese. Ash didn’t know the word, but swearing in every language sounded basically the same. 

“You did not--defile--me. Ash, how could you say something horrid like that?”

Ash felt his shoulders start to curl in on the word horrid. He forced them straight again. Why posture seemed important in the moment his heart was cut to ribbons, he didn’t know, but there it was. He didn’t have the attention to spare to question it. Eiji was still talking.

“I didn’t, you didn’t have to…UGH! I wish you spoke Japanese!” 

“I’m sorry,” Ash whispered.

“No. Stop. Don’t be sorry. Why would you speak Japanese? That makes no sense! Just...let me think for a minute. Don’t, don’t leave ok?” He sounded unsure, but the frustration seemed to have burned away his panicked tears. Ash wasn’t sure if this was better. But he’d wait until the day he died if Eiji needed him to. He breathed calmly, hands relaxed at his side, and waited.

“I don’t hate you. I could never hate you, Ash. I’m sorry that I pushed you, that I got carried away. I didn’t mean--” He sighed, reached out and pulled back his hand. “I, just because...why did you think I wanted you to--to do that?”

“You were aroused. Isn’t that what that means? That you want sex? It’s ok if you want sex, Eiji. Most people do.” Ash forced himself to stop talking before he said anything else terrible.

“I don’t want sex.” Eiji said it firmly. Clearly.

“I know. I--you deserve someone who, who isn’t, who hasn’t been a public toilet.” Eiji flinched. “I know the words are ugly. But they’re true, Eiji. I’m a sex toy. And I’m so broken I’m not even fun to play with anymore. I’m sorry.” Ash had to bite his cheek again to control a harsh laugh. “I forgot for a moment that someone like you could never stand to be touched by someone like me.”

“Shut up. Just SHUT UP.” Eiji snarled. “You--you are amazing. And I’m so _proud_ that you want to touch me. I feel honored when you let me hug you. I know you were hurt, Ash. And I know that it makes things...hard...for you. Ok? I know that. But when you kiss me, sometimes I get carried away, I forget that YOU don’t want to have sex. And I don’t want to have sex with anyone but you. So that means I don’t want to have sex.”

“But…”

“I don’t know who that was that tried to seduce me, Ash Lynx, but it wasn’t YOU. It was--you didn’t. Don’t ever do anything like that again.” He continued to mumble in frustrated Japanese. “I--look, can I please touch you? Just your hand or something?”

Ash instantly reached out and took Eiji’s hand. He didn’t know what he wanted so he allowed Eiji to pull it closer, thread their fingers together. 

“Ok. Yes. I liked kissing you. I liked kissing you a lot. But...look, just because my body reacted doesn’t mean...You don’t have to…” Eiji closed his eyes. Ash watched him count to himself. “Ash look. If, someday, you’re ready, someday you want sex with me--not because you think I want it, but because you actually want it, then I- I think I would want that too.” He squeezed his hand. “But I don’t want whatever that was. I don’t want an act, and I don’t want...I don’t want a lie. That was a lie, Ash. You lied about wanting me. I don’t want that.”

Another tear slid down Eiji’s cheek. “I looked up that word you used. Defiled means to make dirty or unclean.” He waited, so Ash nodded.

“You are not dirty Ash. You cannot make me unclean because you are not dirty.”

“I am, though Eiji. Every part of me is filthy. Every part of me has been covered with the blood and filth of the worst humanity has to offer. It doesn’t really ever wash off.”

Eiji shook his head adamantly. “Did you know Ash, that every seven years, every human sheds all of their skin?”  
  
Ash’s brows drew together. He may have heard that somewhere, actually, but it was such an odd change in the conversational direction that he couldn’t formulate a response. “So?”

“So that means, in seven years, no part of you will have been touched by any of that. Because they won’t hurt you ever again. I won’t let them.” He looked so ridiculously determined, eyes flashing and cheeks puffed out in emphasis. He looked like a very serious barn owl ready to throw down. He snorted, feeling a little more of the weight slide from his shoulders. The idea of Eiji taking on the people who had hurt him was hilarious, yet somehow he didn’t doubt it. 

“And if I have to wait for seven years, then I’ll wait. I waited nineteen years. How hard can it be?” This time Ash did laugh, just a little. Eiji gave him back a watery grin.

“I know you’re trying Ash. And I know you’re healing. I know. I see, ok? I see you.”

“Ok.” He nodded to both of them. He wasn’t sure Eiji was right, but he trusted him. Eiji wouldn’t lie to him. 

They were quiet for a moment, connected by their hands but lost in their own thoughts. 

“Why couldn’t I do it?” Eiji’s brows drew together, so Ash hastened to add, “I know, I know. I shouldn’t have tried. But...Eiji, I’ve taken literally hundreds of people to bed. I haven’t panicked like that since I was ten.” Ash saw Eiji cringe, watched his lips form the word ‘eleven’ as horror dawned on his face.

“Oh, Ash. Oh, my sweet Ash. I am so so sorry. Eleven? You were used to it by eleven! I--” Something on his face must have given him away because Eiji’s voice shifted from sorrow to irritation. “Don’t you dare say why? Because you were a child and terrible men did terrible things to you and I love you! That’s why.” Eiji shook himself. Ash stared at him. He knew Eiji loved him. But he hadn’t said it, not outright. Not like that.

“Ok.” Very eloquent, Ash. Wonderful response to a gift like that. Good job. 

“I think you couldn’t do it because it mattered to you this time. I-I think you cared how I felt, what I felt. And you, you cared how you felt too.” He looked at Ash then, eyes wide and face hopeful.

“I did. I do. I--care--about you Eiji. I wanted to… I don’t want you to miss out on anything, ever, because of me. I wanted to be normal for you. I wanted…”

“Hey. Hey. Normal is overrated. I don’t want normal. I want you, Ash. I want every part of you that you’re willing to give me. But I don’t ever want you to force yourself. I don’t want that Ash, Ok? Never. When you’re really ready, or not at all.”

“What if it really takes seven years?” 

“I don’t care.”

He meant it. Damn. 

“Will you...Can I?” Ash made an aborted move to open his arms. Eiji grinned, moving slowly to tug Ash toward his chest, guiding his head down over his heart. 

“Of course. Always.”

Eiji’s heartbeat was a little faster than usual. Ash smiled. He liked that he had rested against him enough to know that.

Eiji’s hand rested lightly between his shoulders. “I’m proud of you.”

“What? Why?”

“You told me the truth. There was a time when you wouldn't have.” 

Ash slowly, carefully eased his arm around Eiji’s waist. “Thank you. Thank you for staying by my side. Thank you for seeing past…” he paused, “Everything. Just, thank you for being here with me.” He felt Eiji oh-so-gently brush his lips over his hair. “I love you too, you know.”

“I know.”

The cold began to bleed out of him, his limbs becoming heavy. Eiji’s hand rubbing slow circles on his back was warm. He almost felt sleepy, curled into the comfort of Eiji’s gentle arms. He had thought he had lost this. He had thought…

“Hey, stop thinking about it,” Eiji murmured.

“That isn’t what I was thinking about.”   
  
“Ok, if you were just laying there thinking good thoughts, what were you thinking?”

Ash smiled. “You feel like home.”

Eiji paused for a second. “Sap.”

“Yep.”

"Are you really ok?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I will be."


End file.
